Michael is an artist and a teacher. He has been working on these photos for nine years but he almost never has a camera on him. He will grow a mustache for any occasion no matter how bad it looks. He was allowed to play with mercury in his middle school science class with his bare hands. He prefers walking to driving, beer to wine, and bacon to anything else. He can’t spell, but claims to be able to ride a unicycle. He can’t touch his toes but knows they exist. He was born left handed, but gave it up because he has trouble telling which hand that is. He will live longer than Kevin. His past Halloween costumes include, but are not limited to: Bacon, the drummer from Def Leppard, Sexy Pumpkin, Ozone from the gold meddle winning break dance duo The Man Eaters, Scary Clown, a Dancing Monkey with an organ grinder, a Maryland Driver, Senior Bumblebee, Roy being mauled by a white tiger, and a Shark Eating a Monkey (which is different than a monkey-eating shark, think about it). He has never lost a competitive eating competition, and never played the lottery. He was born in Massachusetts, grew up in South Florida and Upstate New York, briefly lived in New Orleans and Montana, and once spent a year studying art in London and all he had to show for it was 30 drawings of Elvis and an enormous credit card debt. He has lived in and loved the District of Columbia since ’99 but misses his voting rights. He makes and keeps to his own rules. He thinks about numbers a lot and how they relate to each other. He will not wear shoes to work because it is not a rule. He drove to Alaska and back in a $300 car named Roberta, and lists her as an ex-girlfriend. He watches too much baseball and not enough basketball. He seems to be getting shorter and wonders how that’s possible. He loves to cook but refuses to measure anything.